Weekend Musings - 11
Nothing is permanent and don’t even wish
“Everything and everyone is replaceable. Just a matter of a time.”
In other words, impermanence or anicca (Pāli) or anitya (Sanskrit) is one of the hard truths of life.
However, the human mind ignores it. Only an awakened mind or a mind that believes in the power of NOW accepts it with a smile.
It takes years of practice and even then only a few achieve the state of accepting the present moment. Rest all of us are on the same boat, who want to hold or capture or control things. Because we are scared what if the moment or the person leaves us.
The fear of the future and the baggage of the past always kills the beautiful present.
I grew up in a family where we were taught to study hard, work hard and be successful. I was not smart in anything and hence find ways to do things that my family wouldn’t like. The other constant struggle was figuring out what am I good at.
I would often dream of successful people, to be like them and get recognised. During my teenage days, I was highly influenced by a subject called History. Most of us would sleep in History classes. I would also do but then I would dream of the Battle of Plassey or the 1857 Mutiny.
I was present when Bhagat Singh asked the jailor a minute since he was finishing Lenin’s biography. I also saw how Netaji escaped from the final plane crash. For me, History classes were a platform that gave me wings to my wild dreams.
One of the reasons why I started a startup was finding the answer to the question: what am I good at. But at the same time, I was scared of getting bored in the next few days.
If I look into my past and even today I like very few things in life and if I don’t like it, I easily get bored. So I kept my startup in stealth mode for a year while I was working in a software company in Pune.
I would get up early in the morning to write one article, my co-founder would edit and publish around 10 in the morning. And one more during lunchtime. This continued for a year and then before the software company could fire me I decided to put down my papers. I found some belief in myself to give it a try as a full-time venture.
The madness started - from writing two articles to 4-5 articles in a day. Then finally after years of struggle we found the sweet spot. We eventually gave up the quantity business and focussed on the quality.
It was also realising what are our weaknesses are and how to play with them. This was the time I was transformed into a possessive parent, my startup was my only child. I would work for 13-14 hours, seven days a week, and nothing excited me more than my startup. This is also the phase where I fucked my family life.
Because I believed if I would work hard and put my best efforts then I can change the fate of my startup, make more money, and hence be successful.
But that never happened. If you are not personally happy and satisfied then you can’t have a healthy professional life. This might not be true for you but it works for me.
Somehow I was also never on the trip of the CEO tag. In the first year, I realised that the focus should be on content and not on attending events. Also, I am a zero networker.
In the last five years, the startup world was the new fancy kid. Pune had a lot of meetups, I attended a few, and spoke at a few. Only to realise that they are a complete waste of time, people come to have free snacks and exchange the useless visiting cards that most of us throw it after leaving the place.
In one such event, I met a founder of a leading tech and startup publication. She knew me and we had a conversation where she was talking and I was listening.
“Prasant I can get up at 4 in the morning and report news in the industry. That’s how I am beating the curve.”
I smiled and wondered what about the reader?
“The reader who gets up at 7 or 8 in the morning first checks her messages, emails and then social media. Most read the news at a later time and for her, it doesn’t matter whether you woke up at 4 or 5. She will go to her favourite site and read the news.”
By now I had the realisation -
“No one, yes no one gives a fuck if you don’t work for a day or two. The world will not fall if you take a break. People will still be there and they had found new ways of consumption. Loyalty is dead.”
After this, I would only work five days a week. The weekend would be more of planning and spending time on things that I loved beyond my work. It was a struggle but I also became more effective in thinking and executing efficiently.
So when I closed my startup I knew very well no one would give a fuck and people might talk about it for a day and then they will move on.
Look at the celebrities and public figure who die. At the most, they will trend for a day on Twitter. The next day everyone just moves on and if you are lucky then they might recall you on your death anniversary.
This realisation that nothing is permanent came when I did my first Vipassana camp in Pune, 2016. I went to the camp just to see if I can keep myself detached from my startup. I was able to detach myself and when I came back nothing had changed. Everything was the same. There were few emails and some inquiries that my co-founder took care of it.
The same holds true for love.
Last year initial few months I was working with an NGO, I had some money, I was young because after years I had the feeling of love and most importantly I had my parents with me.
Every day my house would be a Bollywood drama movie. My mother would lead the cast followed by my nana and the movie would be a blockbuster when my brother would join on Sundays. Total chaos. And I would struggle to find a quiet place to just sit with myself.
I was happy and had the feeling that life was slightly getting better even during the pandemic.
And then life showed me the reality that nothing is permanent.
In the month of December, Nana decided to leave us.
It’s been five months and not a single day passes without missing him. Tears have dried up but the pain of seeing him every day in a frame kills me slowly.
There are days when I wake up thinking that all this is a bad dream and just now he will pass by my room and recommend some movie on Netflix.
Then my mind reminds me that as an elder son I did his last rites.
Even love is not permanent.
If nothing happens then death will happen.
I am not saying that stop living or stop loving. Just don’t take things for granted be it love or life or work.
Often at workplaces, we are told by friends or colleagues not to reveal everything otherwise we will be replaced easily. I have seen the behaviour rampant among consultants of not providing everything. By doing this most consultants think that they can hold the client.
My friend, there is no guarantee that you can hold your client. If nothing then a pandemic will happen to wipe off all your clients. So might as well be honest with your work and give your best. If nothing happens then the client might just remember the good work. Even if the client forgets, even then you can have a peaceful sleep.
The future is uncertain and the past is gone so make the most of this moment. Give your best to your work, love the people whom you want to and live every moment.
We all are going to die but as long we live let’s make the most of it. Nothing is permanent and don’t even wish. It won’t work, it is the truth of nature.
Now you must be wondering that PN has become the Buddha of 2021.
Well nahi dost. Out of 7 days, I am fucked 5 days. These are the days when I just don’t want to get out of my bed and have this thought:
Nothing good can happen in my life. Even if it happens then it won’t last for 48 hours. And if things are going good then I find ways to fuck it up. Because I am so comfortable with pain.
I am afraid of being happy. Because I know unhappiness is right behind me.
At the same time, I am also in the most happening phase of my life. Thanks to my nana, his absence has made me love him more and look at life differently.
In death and pain, I figured out how much he meant to me and how much he cared for me. In his absence, I now love him more and hence understood the power of love.
Love has eased my pain.
And while we all are fucked and broken in some way or the other, hope is the only thing that keeps us alive.
Hope is the only way to live and the feeling of loving someone or being loved builds hope.
May you live and love your life and the people around you. Don’t wait for their love, make the move and see the magic. If you don’t you might regret it when they are no more in your life.
Because nothing is guaranteed and permanent in life.
And my song of the week: “Thoda thoda pyar hua tum se….”
Love
PN.