Weekend musings - 08
Organic relationship vs scientific dating
5:00 AM (athlete starts the day by drinking some litchi delight.)
I wish to start my day at four but that is one constant struggle of my life. Today I woke up with a bit of drowsiness, eyes tired and a body with slightly less energy. I don’t have a fever today but yesterday I had and if this continues for more than a day then COVID-19 is inside me making love.
So if you don’t see my writing in the coming week then rest be assured that COVID-19 has hit me and I have left the world. That’s why the weekend musings comes a day early. What if I die with all these feelings and thoughts.
Obviously, I am damn sure that no one is going to lose sleep over my writing. Honestly, for years I have had diaries or notebooks where I write my personal thoughts. Now I don’t note down my daily routine but I try to explore the emotions and how I reacted to something.
When I started this blog I wanted to connect with you with every word. As a writer I have always loved how Khushwant Singh captures you from the first chapter of Train To Pakistan. Or be it V.S.Naipul whose simplicity blew me off while reading India: Essays.
Explaining marketing and for that matter digital with day to day life story is a challenge. But think for a moment - isn’t marketing solving the problems of the common man? And that’s how I started writing again by weaving the simple day to day stories along with marketing insights. However, I acknowledge that my grammar can be better.
Last year I wrote in my diary that I should find someone who should appreciate me for my work. Obviously, I know I am not a hot looking hunk. In fact, I did and she happens to be my biggest reader of this blog. Nothing in this world makes me so happy when the data tells me she has read it or sends a random message every 2 or 3 months.
Some people whom you think are your life suddenly break every bone and pierce your body from every possible corner to rip the blood out of your body so that you die drop by drop every day, and then some people come into your life all of a sudden and in so many subtle ways make you a better person. So much that the person isn’t aware.
I don’t know if this is love or soulmate or any other thing. When I saw her the first time I just froze or rather say I stuck to her face. As a guy, I will see the person it is simple animal instinct. And here I am for the first time in my life I was just fucking stuck to her face, and all I remember looking into her eyes. This happened again when I met her for the second time. I still was at her face. And before I realised the emotions had taken over and it just happened.
But how can my “ache din” come so soon. And if everything is going good in my life for more than 24 hours I start panicking and I know life is going to get fucked soon. It did very soon. Before I can tell something reality hit me hard and I was like fuck everything. And so began the cycle of months of staying away from her and still getting back to her in some form. No, I am not bothering or stalking her.
However, I had a lot to tell and express so the blog became the medium. Imagine in the age of TikTok I go back to writing.
I got nothing in return other than peace. I am happy.
Now that I don’t have anything to share more so this becomes my last “Weekend Musings” article. Yup no more torcher of such melodrama.
Organic relationship vs Scientific dating
5:45 AM (Feeling drowsy. Continuously asking why to write all this shit.)
47 Ronin streaming on Netflix is an American fantasy action film. The film bombed at the box office and has no connection with the real story. I somehow finished the movie and the only reason was the love story between Kai and Mika.
My favourite scene is when both confess their love for the first time knowing that the next morning death will separate them again. “I will search for you through 1000 words and 10000 lifetimes until I find you again.
Watch the video to feel how Mika responds.
Kai and Mika were ready to wait for 10000 lifetimes if there is such a thing but today we decide love depending on our swipe moods.
So before I end let me share my thoughts about one last piece that has been a constant discussion and debate with my friend (Rumi - he is one of my best friends and we live in the same society. Thankfully he is now seeing a girl and society people have stopped thinking that we are gay couples. I am assuming.)
Should one keep on waiting for an organic relationship to happen or take things on your own hands and put themselves out on the dating platform?
Obviously, this is related to your belief patterns and if you believe in things like destiny, karma and god.
Organic relationship
First, let’s look at my personal relationship timeline from 2017 to 2021. (Click to enlarge.)
There have been quite a few things along with my family that helped me to be a slightly better human being. I am still the same just that I have regained my core. I am what I am whether you like me or not I really don’t give a fuck.
What matters is that the choices that I take should give me a peaceful sleep in the night. I still fuck up but the best part is that I am not high, I do in complete senses and if I have fucked it up the realisation kicks in very quickly. So I work on it to not repeat.
One of my favourite books - The Road Less Travelled by M. Scott. Peck showed me the shortcomings in me as a human being. Why all my relationships have failed and what I need to do to become a better human being.
One thing that stuck into my head was a line that goes like this - “My job is not to find love but to be a better version of myself every day.”
6:42 AM(Google Docs suddenly crashes. It has also got bored listening to my same old fuckups. Time to get some coffee.)
I have stuck to this line till the end of 2020.
On 18th December, my nana who was anyway pissed with the whole mask thing decides to call it quits. And here is my grief timeline so far: (the only thing remaining is revealing my sex timeline. Click to enlarge.)
My grief timeline slightly matches with the stages of grief being discussed in a hilarious manner in the Netflix web series The Kominsky Method.
Alan Arkin and Michael Douglas light the stage in this slapstick comedy-drama web series. A final fourth season is going to come soon but even then this is one of my best comedy web series I thoroughly enjoyed while dealing with my grief.
It’s been four months without him and every day I still look for him or wish just he calls me by my nickname. In fact, he came in one of my dreams recently with a smile. Obviously, it is my mind playing flashback memories.
Now I have pivoted the entire grief into just a way of life with my sadistic humour. Be it 4 months or 4 years or 40 years; he will still be my dad and I will miss him. There are days when I am really cool and fun but then there are moments that make me realise - he is no more.
The fucking tears have dried up so I laugh and crack a joke with him. Now in 8092, we are just two of us - I talk and he smiles like he is doing from the framed picture that sits right in front of the work desk.
With the start of 2021, I also removed the cushion from my life called ‘God’. Thanks to my growing belief for some time, my friend Rumi and the book ‘Sapiens.’ At first it was scary but now with no god in life I was kind of on my own.
By now it was pretty much clear that there is nothing happening with her. And she has her own shit to deal with. Just because I have decided that she is the one, life isn’t Bollywood that you start saying dialogues as Sunny Deol says in Jeet:
I am laughing seeing the colour of blood dripping from the hands of Karishma :)
My only obsession in life is to observe myself. I noticed that now I wanted someone desperately in life. I was not looking for sex or any relationship. I just wanted to talk about things like where do people go after they die.
So where do you find a date during a pandemic? My social skills are negative. And the only place was finding someone on dating apps. I was so wrong that in the next two weeks I was hit with the reality that I don’t trust online dating and more so I don’t think I am meant for relationships.
Dating apps and the business of making money
8:03 AM (Black coffee on empty stomach is a bad idea. But when did I play by rules.)
So a quick snapshot of dating apps in India:
So in the world of AI and suggesting similar profiles one also needs to get ready to empty your wallet. This is why one should have clarity about what you are is getting into. Besides every fucking person is looking for a SOULMATE on a dating app and none can hold a conversation or maybe I just ran into dick heads.
Out of the lot, I see a good future for Aisle because they have integrated dating and marriage into one app. The database is really big compared to Bumble. Sometimes I question are they really genuine profiles but the whole angle of marriage gives Indians the extra boost.
Bumble on the other hand which is out on your face has an advanced product that plays according to the user meaning are you paid user or how many times have you deleted the app.
Aisle also has a Concierge feature which is basically what your matrimonial sites do. And people are comfortable sharing their caste and salary range too.
The app also wanted to know when I am looking to settle down with options ranging from a year to 5 years to undecided. I was like - “Bhai agar she says yes, cards are on the way to be published.”
I have removed Tinder from the list because it is a dead zone. I don’t know what it is. If you really want to find hookers then there are better places.
Online dating in India
Some observations on the online dating scene from a 42-year-old separated man:
Almost every girl makes a point that she is not interested in one night stands, sex or small-time flings.
Almost every man out there is looking for sex. I know it includes people like me but Indian men and their obsession with sex is mind-blowing. I never understood why men love to share dick pics. I mean we look better than a piece of meat on any given day.
Also what kind of a question is this - what are you looking on the app? Finding where my lunch order is.
My search criteria were 30-45 in Bangalore. The very few girls that found me interesting with my not so cool bio and pics were in the range of 37-43. So most of them were divorced, well settled and dating for them was a requirement but not on a priority list. Also at any given point in time, there are 40-50 guys trying their luck on a girl either for free sex or genuine reason. So you need to have really good patience. People have been on the app for years. After all, no one trusts anyone and nobody wants additional drama in their life.
And after your looks have increased your chances then the common questions will be like - where do you stay, do you stay alone or with your family and how much travelling do you like. Blame it to Instagram, every fucking person is a globe trotter, food lover and fitness enthusiast. And I can see your face and tell how much active you are.
There are a few more but I can’t recall now. In general, love is fucking out of the window it is all about how comfortable can my life be if I invest in you. So basically you have to sell yourself and I suck when I have to sell myself.
My date - yes it did happen
9:00 AM(Google docs have gone crazy and I need to drink some more juice to keep writing. My mind is like even she will puke after reading all this Chutiyapa of yours)
So after talking to two or three women because at my age getting girls will be molestation; one finally got ready to meet me. This was also after my psychiatrist said that you will have to open up and make a proposition.
I posted a pic with a caption that “Ugly people shouldn’t take selfies.” My bio - Observant and Realist who hates BS. I just couldn’t come up with something better. For better I need a space of 2000 words.
By the way, my mom thinks that the pic is by far my most hot picture. The old lady has gone crazy, these days she finds her husband in me. “Beta tak okay hai, the husband is not going to happen old lady.”
Anyway, she was travelling to Bangalore so agreed on catching up. We had chatted for few times. Same old stuff - how is work, what are you reading, what did you eat and then the fucking awkward silence what next.
I was not jumping around seeing her messages but it was something to take my mind off from the whole shit that was happening in my life. But then my problem I sleep by 9:30 and she would be only free to talk after 10 in the night. Once I even slept over the call.
So I met her in Toit. Yes in GOD FUCKING TOIT. Life had come full circle. She was having a wheat beer in front of me and I was drinking water and having a veg slider. For more than two years the brewery was my first home. Life is such fun.
Our conversation lasted for two god damn hours - she was interested in finding why I run so much, does nonprofit work pays good, when did I last date, how well I am travelled, did I drive to Toit and all about my family. Basically, the overachiever was trying to see if I fit in her society.
And for the two hours, I just stared at her to see whether there was any form of spark or connection. The body never reacted and all the while I was comparing this lady to the one that was in my mind.
She also asked if you don’t meet new people how do you keep yourself educated. Naidu had one line ready - “Reading and writing.”
My biggest learning after meeting the person - “If there is no spark, if the body doesn’t get excited then you can throw those interests out of the window.”
She also told me that I am a very serious guy and should lighten up. I smiled because there was a time when I would also like to change people according to my interests.
Anyway, after drinking two bottles of water and one Virgin Mojito the drama ends. And I walked into such a setup after four years. Rumi was all on the floor after listening to my story.
What a fucking waste of time.
I am not saying online dating is bad. Rumi has got a nice human being via Bumble. He put himself out there, had patience and with a few good deeds and an adorable picture with his Labrador he has found a person who is keeping him interested.
My life goals are very different. At 40 if a guy is dating or trying to get into a serious relationship he will be focussing on money, work and family. I just don’t see my self in the structure and hence I can’t connect with most of the people. And I don’t put an effort also.
In the next two years, I want to settle in the mountains. No not because of the pandemic. I have stayed for a while in the hills and my body is suited for a colder climate. I live, eat and train like an athlete. I want to bring more discipline to it as I want to do a marathon in Ladakh and in Everest.
Can I also find symmetry in my liking for fitness, spirituality and marketing? Just a thought.
Someone asked me on this dating app - What is a relationship for you?
“Acceptance and zero judgement.”
The person laughed at me and said it is very difficult to find someone like that. I know that but I am not desperate to settle with anyone that doesn’t match my expectations.
And the expectations are simple - “Can we both help each other in our journeys and be better individuals.”
Since I am a guy of all about emotions, and instincts I will settle with organic way.
So which side of the debate are you - Organic or Scientific dating? Answer it to yourself.
Okay bye! It is 9:46 AM.