The feeling of being valuable - ‘I am a valuable person’ - is essential to mental health and is a cornerstone of self-discipline. M. Scott Peck highlights the same at the very start of his book The Road Less Travelled. “For when children know that they are valued when they truly feel valued in the deepest parts of themselves, then they feel valuable.”
But how do you make your child feel that she is valuable? One of the ways is passing your values, beliefs and small gestures of love and kindness. “I counsel new parents to do what feels right for them and to trust their instincts,” writes Scott Galloway in his book The Algebra of Happiness. But there’s no one-size-fits-all here. Nobody has an algorithm for successful parenting.
“We come into and leave this world alone and vulnerable, wanting the touch of people we know love us so we can sleep in peace. I trust that these investments will make it instinctual for our boys, when their mom and dad are old and vulnerable, to lie with and comfort us…so we can sleep in peace,” Page 126 The Algebra of Happiness.
“I want to send both my daughters to the UK for higher education. I want them to have everything in this world that I didn’t receive,” is one of the dreams of my younger brother. He is a darling and a responsible father of two very beautiful young girls. The elder one just celebrated her birthday over a Whatsapp video call (What a beautiful world we are leaving behind for our children, we should be fuckingly very proud of ourselves.)
Earlier this week, I was cutting a jackfruit under the supervision of my mother. Cutting a jackfruit is an art, I am happy that I have acquired a new skill. During the course, she told me that she always wanted to go to school and get educated but she was asked to sit at home after her fourth standard. “I was very outgoing and would speak to boys. My family was very scared. They even got me married at the age of 17. So your father and I had decided that we would do everything to give our children a better life and education.”
Parents are working hard to provide a better life for their children. It is a commendable effort. Additionally, we should also give priority to teach our children all the things we never were taught. Bruce Lee says it so well:
I always had a dream to have a daughter but that part never worked out. Because I am a very selfish man and all my life I have loved myself and my failed startup. I never cared about marriage, family and also I was scared that I would be a bad father. Early last year I was thinking of adopting someone but then I have realised that some people on this planet should stay away from relationships and having family. I lead that race.
Besides, I should be the last person in this world advising or writing about relationships and parenting. But what would be the things that I might have shared with my daughter:
Listen to her: I have been a zero listener all my life for a simple reason I never knew it was important. As a kid no one listened to me, what I was going through and if I am not doing good in Maths then what was the reason? All my parents did was change my tuition teacher. And one teacher was an asshole who made me help him shag. I was in the 3rd or 4th standard. By the time I realised what was happening with me it was too late and I had no one to speak about it. And how do you tell this to anyone? Because my parents were busy giving us a good life, which is also important.
So if you are a parent please make a point to just sit with your kid or kids and try to just listen without opening your mouth or judging them. This will go a long way and tomorrow when your kid grows up and becomes a parent will carry this forward.
Let her do what she loves: The majority of parents force their unfinished dreams on their children. Some of them have worked, sometimes they have failed miserably, impacting the entire family. My dad loved piano so he tried teaching my brother. My brother is now doing the same with his elder daughter. One good thing is that she is loving piano (my guess) and she is also doing drawing because she loves it.
My parents had zero expectations from me because I would always spend more time outside of the classroom standing. Looking back I loved drawing but it was snatched from me since exams were coming.
I can’t blame my parents because I got bored with things easily. I never realised what I am good at until I started and dragged my startup for seven years.
So don’t force your things on your kid, let that child explore and find her own interests. Every kid is different and please don’t fuck their lives by putting pressure on performance. Let them live first.
And trust her: Today the majority of parents are concerned that their kids don’t speak to them. High time we reverse the question and ask why has the kid stopped talking to you. Did you close the door? Last time when she shared something personal with you, did you judge her or raise your voice?
Before asking our kids to be disciplined, how disciplined are we as a human being, husband and father?
I think trust is mutual. For a child the parent is the first thing he or she has and as life evolves other characters come into places. Try not to spoil it by giving excuses that you have a busy work life and all this effort is for the family. It is good that you are doing and it is your responsibility.
My parents never trusted that I can be good at something. All my life, trust is a word that no one has associated with me. Except for someone recently. Even today my parents are clueless about what I do sitting in front of the laptop. All they are worried about is whether I am getting money at the end of the month. They are not completely wrong.
So please trust your kid. The day you stop doing it your kid is no more your kid.
I am sure you are a better parent and all these things you must be imparting to your kid. I know it is very easy for me to say without even being a parent (Once Saba Karim, sitting in the commentary box was advising how Sachin Tendulkar should work on his stance. I am ignoring Sanjay Manjrekar for a moment). I am sharing simple things that we often ignore. And maybe if I am a parent tomorrow then I can fall back to some of my simple thoughts.
Like always my dear friend Rumi has something for me:
Are you still with me after all my gyaan on parenting? Don’t get offended :) and here is my quick recap of the stories that I wrote earlier this week.
Some brands are making a point during the ongoing Covid-19 menace but some are showing their true colours especially the soap brands like HUL who is playing a dual strategy of being a god and devil. Trust me the consumer is watching.
Read: Covid-19 and soap brands
With India and almost every other country temporarily or permanently shut, people are spending more time online creating and consuming content. Streaming live is becoming a new trend among celebrities and influencers. I share my thoughts on how it is building into a habit for people and businesses. Early days but it is going to be the new norm.
Thank you for making a choice to read my boring thoughts. Stay home and stay safe.
By the way, don't think my parents are evil :) they are worried about me. I can’t blame them because they had zero parenting. And I am happy that they did their best to give me a good education and life. In fact, today when I am starting things from scratch at 41, they have provided me a home, food and wholesome entertainment. I am lucky and thankful.
Peace and happiness ❤️