“We often don’t say ‘Thank You’ or ‘Sorry’ to our close loved ones.”
How true is that? We always take the love of our close ones for granted.
The above line is from the simple and powerful Hindi drama film Ram Prasad Ki Tehrvi streaming on Netflix.
The movie is a directorial debut of the talented actress Seema Pahwa who rose to prominence for her role in the popular Doordarshan teleseries Hum Logo. This was in the 80s and recently she was in limelight for her brilliant work in movies like Bareli Ki Barfi and Bala. However, I think she was too good in Ankhon Dekhi with another gem actor Sanjay Mishra.
Have you seen Ankhon Dekhi? I have seen it 4-5 times and every time I see the movie I learn something new from the story which was written and directed by another gem Rajat Kapoor.
The title of the movie gave me an indication that it will be about the Indian joint family complexities after the head of the family passes. I even thought that this might be slightly in the lines of another brilliant film Paglait also streaming on Netflix. But I was wrong.
I started watching the movie yesterday after my lunch for Seema Pahwa and the sparkling cast the movie has.
The movie starts with the death of Ramprasad played by Naseeruddin Shah. Then we see the entire family coming one after the other - four sons and their wives, daughter, sister and their children.
Once the body is cremated - the cracks in the so-called loving family start showing. The brothers are drinking in the night and removing their pain how the parents didn’t do anything. The wives are bitching and having fun. Basically, everyone has forgotten that someone has died and life is all the same for everyone.
Except for the wife played by another genius Supriya Pathak. Her expression is enough to communicate her pain.
As the story proceeds further we are told that Ramprasad had taken a loan of 10 lakhs. The sons are angry and approach their mother to find out why was the loan taken. The mother then hands them a diary that has details of every penny. The loan was taken by their father only to help his children who have now forgotten that they have taken the money. Forget returning back they are shamelessly accusing how their parents did nothing for them.
The movie also lifts the layer of who will now take care of the mother and what will happen to the big house. The sons are also looking if the house is sold then they can grab some money. However, the wife decides to stay back and transforms the house into a dream house for his husband.
Ramprasad’s house is now a musical institute because he was a musician. The wife stays in the house with her husband, his dream and love.
Many of you might not like it. Even my mother keeps telling me I should not see such movies as it will impact me. She thinks that I am a very emotional guy and I need to be strong.
But do you really become weak if you cry?
We run away from grief and embrace love. Today I think grief is the most beautiful emotion and such movies allow me to live and enjoy my grief and pain. Before the lockdown whenever I would see a dead person and the grieving family. I would stop, smile and will have the urge to give the grieving family a hug. I have never been so connected.
There is a beautiful scene at the beginning of the movie when everyone is coming and asking the wife so how did it happen. And the wife has to repeat the entire story again. The incident becomes a laughing joke for the youngsters. Not for me.
When my nana passed away, somebody went and posted on the society forum. I was not okay but I was not in the state to find out who and why it was done. This gave an opportunity for almost everyone from society to come and visit my mother and my brother. Nana and I are hardly known in society.
For the 13 days, my brother came down to live with us. My mother would always be in her room, my brother grabbed my room, I will sleep on my dad’s bed and was managing the kitchen.
Every time someone will come, I will open the door, my mother will pick her up and come and say hello to the guests. And then she will once again answer the question - “So Mrs Naidu how did it happen?”
This went on for days and I was fucking angry. Why the fuck do you want to know how my dad passed away. How will it help in your life? Why do you want to show the concern you don’t have. Can’t you just come and say we know what has happened. And we are sorry for your loss. This can be so simple. Can’t you see a wife has lost her gossip partner and husband?
I even expressed this to my mother. “Not everyone is sensitive like you.”
If I can’t give you happiness then why should I be the cause of pain?
Earlier this week I attended a Zoom call on mental health. It was valuable. Anway at the end of the talk I had a question:
“We don’t want to get judged. But if a friend comes to us and asks for help. Then we are quick to judge him or her under the pretext that I care for you and share some gyaan from our past baggage. So how do we keep the balance and don’t judge.”
Just be there was the brilliant advice given by the Anxious Fireman.
“The person who is seeking help just wants someone to be there and listen to him. Most of us are not looking for help or advice(intially). Acknowledging that you feel my pain is a big thing.”
So next time if someone comes to you just be there. Don’t open your mouth. Try to listen.
Just be there.
I am happy when in my initial days of loss, I had three people who were just there to acknowledge my pain. Rumi was one of them and he is still my best and only listening partner. I thank him whenever I get a chance. (Someday I should write about him.)
Sometime back she told me - pay it forward. I didn’t get what she meant then. Obviously, I am a slow learner and not as smart as her. But today I understand what she meant. And try to see if I can just be there for someone.
Thank You!
People find happiness in love but I have found joy in grief and reliving my pain.
That’s why whenever I get a chance I say Thank You to Mr Naidu for making me whatever I am today.
Before I leave you with your beautiful weekend, my song of the week by the soulful B Praak.
“Ae khuda tu bol de tere baadlon ko. Mera yaar hans raha hai baarish ki jaaye.”
Love you,
PN.